Thursday, January 25, 2007

One Amazing Thought.....

Stuck In Traffic....
Originally uploaded by papi337.
Things have been tough lately. But my vision's are clear. I've been having such good auditions lately so I've been able to creatively put it somewhere. There's an indie feature I went out for about spies, really dark. My favorite. There was also a pilot yesterday for an NBC single camera comedy. I think that would be so beautiful if I got a gig for NBC considering my XX works for them. How ironic that could be. But I'm not in the mood to be reminded of such at the moment for I am doing excellent and would love to stay that way. I am not my former. I am not made from scraps of other's interesting parts. I am me and I'm feeling it more and more everyday. Carrying on and getting along just fine after all this time of being angry. I will admit I am angry. And I have much to feel angry about. But instead now of hiding it in a soup can, I decide to keep it and feel it in full strength, until it goes away, until it teaches me what I need to know. Until it all makes sense. I am really getting to understand and know my family better. I'm much closer with them now. It took time. They waited for me. They said they didn't recognize me then, that I acted so cold. Disconnected. And the sad part is that they are right. I made that group more important than my own family. That's the reality with extreme religious groups, no matter how perfect their smile. I am reunited with my own intuition. And I appreciate it that I can look at myself thru my own set of eyes now. Not judge from the way someone else see's me and cater to that. Too much acting. Am I saying too much? Maybe, if you figure out what I'm talking about. But I feel no need to please anymore. I realize when you disagree and ask questions, you will never be liked. When you want proof instead of just accepting, you are a problem and will be disposed of. The shut down of individuality, the beginning of using a group mind. When you refuse to believe that we're put on Earth by aliens, your friends stop returning your phone calls. Only now am I aware that I was accidentally let out of my bird cage. Well guess what? I'm gonna sing......sing.......sing.


Yusuf Abdulla Shunan said...

Welcome back! I always had a feeling about you! (Now don't get any funny ideas!)

Seriously I kinda know what you are talking and feel it... I am happy for you!

What is most important to me is to be motivated! N you sound having too much of it :)

Anonymous said...

I know what you are talking about and I think you are sooooo strong.

Several years ago, I had a bad break up with a guy. We are both artists in NYC; this giant metropolis becomes a very tiny bee hive when something like that happens.

He always had the louder voice, the shinier coat and everyone's ear. I was dismissed at the end of our relationship...and left to feel foolish for expressing myself in my way.

The break-up saddened me and for a long time now, I have watched from a distance how other women rebound from broken relationships. I suppose because Hollywood is so sparkly, the tabloid affairs have captured my attention. All that star crossed-pollination; I couldn't do it! Yet somehow these women find the strength to carry on ...and often in the same industry as their former significant others...and come out better for it.

My art is getting stronger and doubtless I will run into him again...but this time my voice and my beauty will be irrefutable.

You're a strong woman and I know you will be succeed...BRILLIANTLY! I derive a lot of strength from your strength. Thanks for your thoughts and words. They help. I will continue to read your blog.

An Artist in NYC

Brooklyn said...

Hi. I hope you're still checking your blog for comments and that you'll see this one.

I don't know you personally, but I was still very happy to read this entry. I know what you're talking about, too. Not as a participant...just as a person who keeps an eye on that "sane" (!) world.

I imagine things have been tough for you (L.A. seems to be such a small, incestuous community). If they have been, I hope they're getting better. Stay strong and keep connected to the people who will love you even when you ask questions.

Best of luck to you in your acting and other aspirations.

Brooklyn said...

I just thought of this site--if you've never seen it you should check it out.

(You can delete this--it's really just meant for you!)

Jim said...

A friend recommended I read your blog, and I resonate with what you're going through. I'm not sure how recent your "escape" from an extreme religion was, but it is a harrowing experience, and there are a few web groups forming to help out the growing number of people in our situation.

Sounds like you're doing great; it's heartening to see another person who has the courage to do it.

Jackee D. said...

Carmen, can I call you Carmen? ha.
That was awesome. Keep writing girl. I understand you completely and you are being heard in way's you probably didn't imagine. After all, you wrote this two years ago and I'm just a girl here in Texas who happened to stumble upon it. :)

Sarah B. said...

I'm so glad you've made it to the other side. Even if you're angry, at least you're HERE and being angry, instead of THERE and being lifeless.