back yard orange tree and downtown los angeles tonight at dusk.....

This is California. In winter. I love it here. Silverlake is turning out to be an amazing neighborhood. It's East of Hollywood and best known for it's eclectic gathering of the creative community. It's home to many musicians, actors and freethinkers. I remember seeing Rilo Kiley play at Spaceland in the late 90's and of coarse, Beck and Elliot Smith. You can go to clubspaceland.com and listen to all the bands thats headlining there right now. I also got to see one of my favorite bands, Mates Of State play which you must check out lead singer Kori Garner's blog called Band On The [Diaper] Run at babble.com. It chronicles her 2 piece band tour around the world with little 2 year old Magnolia along for the ride. Her husband is fellow band member Jason Hammel. Her blog is just like her, original and refreshing. I really love it. Silverlake is also known for it's man made reservoir which it got it's name from and serves water to South L.A. There's an incredible view of the lake from the hills. It glows. There's also a great little Vietnamese restarant on my corner called Gingergrass and it's bananas good. There's always a line coming out of the place and the noddle bowls are the best. On that same street is Silverlake Wine, and Rockaway Records. I love the sound of a real record player. Both unique places. And I'm happy I don't have to drive so far away to get to the park. Los Angeles is a pain for driving.
These oranges are so ripe and bright. They grow in my back yard. Jasmine is never too far behind. It feels like a warm fall in L.A. It is turning to dusk now as I write with pink and purple glowing over the city and the cold air that comes in at night makes us cozy. The fire. The desert. The palms. The mountains. I am so very far from home and happily so

a place in history

Originally uploaded by papi337.

Carry my words
sweet as songbirds
To the ears of someone far.

Right this day
with time's fair play
And a love no purer than ours.

Knowing so well
Paris in pastels
To feel the season's turn cold.

I will always know
there are places I can't go
As the memory begins to lose hold.

apple breath

DSC01693
Originally uploaded by papi337.

Scream, bite, pinch and kick your way into this world.
A universe beyond for holding the stars
and sleeping on Mars.
That big smile in the morning.
That soft cheek against my own.
Finding out my knowledge needs improvement.
And your breath always smells like apples.

For ___________

i saw you in pieces.
spilling scotch.
speaking french.
numbing up.
i've been to that place.
i've stared at that same ceiling
and drown in that song.
i've eaten that same nothing.
drank that same poison. sweet poison.
doing it's job.
make me forget i was loved .
running. running in the streets.
on fire for you.
i've slept on nails
with that same ghost.
sick from lonliness.
missing the earth.
while they grew in the sun.
i cried tears of whiskey.
you should listen to woody guthrie.
because it's your turn to know.

I'm not suppose to read tabloid magazines

I remember back before Star Magazine was glossy and pop stars didn't show their naughty bits in public yet. I honestly would buy those things sometimes and have to admit it was a guilty pleasure. I always felt really silly at the check out line with them and would try to hide the fact that I was actually spending my money on it. But just last November the National Enquirer came knocking on my door and was very interested in my divorce papers. The reporter wanted to either confirm or deny somethings that were obviously public record. I respectfully said no comment and the story was ran about two weeks after that. I won't go into it much but these things happen I suppose whenever a person has intimate details of a famous person's life. The public has a real fascination with celebrities. Some truely talented artists, and some famous for behaving in a more notorious way, a la reality star style. They have become walking product placement ads. I think we live in a corporate country where we're taught to want to be like them and have the desire to live their lifestyle. But in reality most American's don't earn close to that kind of money or realize what people have gone thru to get to that point. But it's glamourized and most people know. But last night I'm standing in Ralph's to buy my popcorn and non-salted butter and I see a spread in the middle of Star magaine with just about every drug under the Sun featured, complete with photographs, information about the drug, and it's effects on the user. The reason this scares me is because I know how easy it is to get addicted to drugs. I don't want this to turn into a public service announcement but I have fought my own battle. And I thought I was so cool while I was getting high. I thought I looked so good and that no one knew. But I was self destrctive and had to find out why. I really wonder what impression this leaves on a young girls psyche to see these teenage celebrities with Bentley's and know that they do drugs. Has anyone noticed these stories are usually about young girls? But who doesn't want to be the prettiest girl at the party, ya know what I mean. Everybody wants to be cool. And it kinda creates a mystique. I'm getting older, that's for sure, and I'm happy to earn some lines around my eyes. I've seen a lot. And I want to give back to anyone who ever needs my help. Real life isn't as pretty sometimes but the rewards are real, and when it's real it never goes away. And I will be right here.

Never Before Now

I want to be plain. I want to be bland. I want to be ordinary. I want to be common. I want to be blank. I want to be flat. I want to be normal. I want to be empty.

Because I don't know who I am. Because I became all of you. Because I practiced your practice. Because I expressed your language. Because I wore your clothes. Because I learned your rules. Because I played your games. Because I fought your wars.

Now I relax...quietly. Now I listen...closely. Now I remember...peacefully. Now I breathe... slowly. Now I balance... rationality. Now I feel...simply. Now I see...perfectly. Now I communicate... willingly.

And so as I become me. And I return to clay. And I wait for the light. And I listen for a noise. And I realize I am complete. And something just made sense. And that was my first real thought. And I become connected again.

Becoming Undone...

The fire since has turned into heat. The flame condensing to a soft orange glow. I sit with toes curled and mind undone. Grateful. Happy I forced myself to feel. Feel all those things that one shouldn't feel. And rejoice in it. Thank you for making it hard. Thank you for pushing me off the side of a building. I needed to know that I could fly after all.

Starving Artist Status

We've finally gotten moved in. Silverlake is my favorite neighborhood in Los Angeles. Good people. I lived right next door for many years in Korea Town and really got on well there too. Then I moved to Los Feliz for about a second. But after I returned from Atlanta to greet Los Angeles again this year, it was my intention to stay as far away from this place as possible. I would have preferred this time to live in Venice or anywhere by the beach. Something unfamiliar. There are so many memories I would like to stay away from. Too much control ages you quicker. A young bride. A young mind. But no matter what, I am happy to be back in the Sun. Happy that evolution occured even if I didn't recognize it. Glad that I am different now. Brighter. Nicer. Loss will do that to you. I lost everything that was never truely mine. But what one gives to this world, this world gives back. And now I can say that a new revolution has happened. Humility has been learned and human dignity now respected. I'm HAPPY it HURT. I'm happy I got leveled. Because I know who I am now. And I know who I'm not. And I know that God exists. The problem is, I had to die first to be able to truely live. And I do want to live.