To All The Crazies, Just Like Me...

My Goodness! I haven't written in so long! I got terribly sick with the flu for weeks and gave it to just about everyone in my family. And honestly, I just haven't felt like writing anything. Do you ever get like that? I haven't been having any auditions either so I've been down in the dumps about that too. I want to act more than anything in the world but there just hasn't been any work. Sucky! I put in a couple of applications for part time work. One at a clothing store called Wasteland on Melrose ave. It's the kind of place where they buy clothes from people and then resale them. I think that might be fun and not too confining. I need to start making better money since this acting thing just isn't paying the bills. It's either that or get a waitressing job just like every other actor out there trying to make it. At the begining of this year I got invited to be on the Dr. Keith Ablow show in N.Y. It's a daytime talk show. I turned it down because I didn't want to talk about what they wanted me to talk about. Now I wonder what would have become of it if I had accepted it. Would it have changed my life and given me more opportunities? This is such a hard time for me. I'm changing so much and realizing life isn't as fantastical as I once imagined it was. It's true that REAL spiritual growth comes after pain, if your honest with yourself. Opening my eyes for the first time hurt when the light entered. But the light is REAL!

I really want to start my owm clothing store in downtown L.A but first I'd have to find investors and I don't know anything about that. My concept is the same thing that Wasteland is doing except I'd like to sell baby and children"s clothes. From experience I know how fast kids grow out of clothes and how expensive it can be to constantly have to keep up. 9 to 5 jobs aren't exactly where I'd like to be but I'm definitely not to good to do it. Honestly, I'm not at the place I want to be in my life right now. I'm still in the process of letting go of the past. But thankfully I have a place to put all my thoughts, good or bad....right or wrong......sane or crazy............And I'm here, at least I know that..........

In Between These Days

Lealy And Balloon
Originally uploaded by papi337.

Seed so strong
The sun is a star
Flooding space with light
Being a girl is expensive ************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Grandfather Clock Stopped

blogg1
Originally uploaded by papi337.

Seeing this forgiveness
Giving in
Pushing red to blue
Pulling my hair
Eating his choice
Gathering these moments
Remembering the Father
So what this fight
Taking the bait
Ending the sickness
Seeing the truth
Singing the blues
Drink taste strong
Bending spoons
Boiling memories
Am I now to be thankful
Barely remembering yesterday
While 6 stood for love
And 7 means heaven
Am I to forget
That I knocked so hard
And you pretended to not be home
I'm losing the sadness
Then what will you do
When no one owes you
I know now

A Silver Mount Zion - God Bless Our Dead Marines (part1)

They put angels in the electric chair
Straight-up angels in the electric chair
And no-one knew or no-one cared
But burning stars lit up their hair
And burning stars lit up their hair
And crawled to heaven on golden stairs
And oh! How we to and fro! To and fro! To and fro!
This is our torched estates
(and we are your sweet mistakes)
And all them vulgar kings on their dirty thrones
Who among us will avenge miss nina simone?
There's fresh meat in the club tonight
God bless our dead marines
Someone had an accident
Above the burning trees
While somewhere distant peacefully
Our vulgar princes sleep
Dead kids dont get photographed
God bless our dead marines
The hungry and the hanged
The damaged and the done
Striving 'long this spinning rock
Tumbling past the sun
Get through this life without killing anyone
And consider yourself golden
Lost a friend to cocaine
Couple friends to smack
Troubled hearts map deserts
And they rarely do come back
Lost a friend to oceans
Lost a friend to hills
Lost a friend to suicide
Lost a friend to pills
Lost a friend to monsters
Lost a friend to shame
Lost a friend to marriage
Lost a friend to blame
Lost a friend to worry and
Lost a friend to wealth
Lost a friend to stubborn pride
And then i lost myself
I love my dog and she loves me
The world's a mess and so are we
She tumbles long green muddy fields
Sick with joy and glee
And as she dreams sweet puppy dreams
Whimpering gently
There's fresh meat in the club tonight
God bless our dead marines
Someone had an accident
Above the burning trees
While somewhere distant peacefully
Our vulgar princes sleep
Dead kids dont get photographed
God bless this century
When the world is sick can't no one be well
But i dreamt we was all beautiful and strong

DON'T SMOKE IN BED

I LEFT A NOTE ON HIS DRESSER
AND MY OLD WEDDING RING
WITH THESE FEW GOODBYE WORDS
HOW CAN I SING
GOODBYE OLD SLEEPY HEAD
I'M PACKING YOU IN LIKE I SAID

TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING
I'M LEAVING MY WEDDING RING
DON"T LOOK FOR ME
I'LL GET A HAND
REMEMBER DARLING
DON'T SMOKE IN BED

DON'T LOOK FOR ME
I'LL GET A HAND
REMEMBER DARLING
DON'T SMOKE IN BED

--NINA SIMONE

One Amazing Thought.....

Stuck In Traffic....
Originally uploaded by papi337.

Things have been tough lately. But my vision's are clear. I've been having such good auditions lately so I've been able to creatively put it somewhere. There's an indie feature I went out for about spies, really dark. My favorite. There was also a pilot yesterday for an NBC single camera comedy. I think that would be so beautiful if I got a gig for NBC considering my XX works for them. How ironic that could be. But I'm not in the mood to be reminded of such at the moment for I am doing excellent and would love to stay that way. I am not my former. I am not made from scraps of other's interesting parts. I am me and I'm feeling it more and more everyday. Carrying on and getting along just fine after all this time of being angry. I will admit I am angry. And I have much to feel angry about. But instead now of hiding it in a soup can, I decide to keep it and feel it in full strength, until it goes away, until it teaches me what I need to know. Until it all makes sense. I am really getting to understand and know my family better. I'm much closer with them now. It took time. They waited for me. They said they didn't recognize me then, that I acted so cold. Disconnected. And the sad part is that they are right. I made that group more important than my own family. That's the reality with extreme religious groups, no matter how perfect their smile. I am reunited with my own intuition. And I appreciate it that I can look at myself thru my own set of eyes now. Not judge from the way someone else see's me and cater to that. Too much acting. Am I saying too much? Maybe, if you figure out what I'm talking about. But I feel no need to please anymore. I realize when you disagree and ask questions, you will never be liked. When you want proof instead of just accepting, you are a problem and will be disposed of. The shut down of individuality, the beginning of using a group mind. When you refuse to believe that we're put on Earth by aliens, your friends stop returning your phone calls. Only now am I aware that I was accidentally let out of my bird cage. Well guess what? I'm gonna sing......sing.......sing.

On The Lot Reality Series

on the lot
Originally uploaded by papi337.

"Aspiring filmmakers can take the first step toward fulfilling their dreams of becoming a Hollywood director by taking part in FOX's new reality competition series ON THE LOT. Video submissions and application forms are now being accepted at thelot.com. Applicants must submit a self-directed short film, up to five minutes in length, that may be shown on the website on a future date".

I'm actually going to enter this! I wanted to get the word out about this opportunity. There's only two weeks left so you have to hurry. I know it's FOX and all but you never know. Thery're picking 16 contestants for the show. The winner gets voted for and you win a develpmental deal with Dreamworks. Check out the website at www.thelot.com. I guess it's like American Idol but for amateur filmmakers and will be produced by Mark Burnette (Survivor etc.) and Steven Speilberg. Why the shit not?

I WAS HERE

Sleep Walking
Originally uploaded by papi337.

What a dumb person.
Expectations worsen.
Changed my reality.
Southern hospitality.
A boy becomes a man.
Blood on your hands.
You on your righteous side.
Black all over your bride.
Sighs and sounds
Bring me back around.
Another year.
I was here.......

Cat Power - I Don`T Blame You

Since I brought up Cat Power the other day, I wanted to include some of her work. Her arrangements are very minimal yet strong and she says her own style is elementary. Her name is Chan Marshall and she's from Georgia, a good soulful Southern girl. I was reading that when she writes lyrics she says, "that it comes out as a stream of consciousness." That reminds me of what Andre Breton, a surrealist writer called "Automatic Writing." I like to write like that sometimes and it's just crazy what comes out after a while when you uncomplicate things and let it breathe. This song is from the album "You Are Free," her sixth release.

No More Hero's

No More Hero's By Banksy
Originally uploaded by papi337.

I found another one. This was on Melrose where all the shoppers go. It's huge. I hear this piece and a couple others sprang up when Banksy had his big exhibition in Los Angeles last September called "Barely Legal". BANKSY is modern day DADA for the masses. I love what it says in the message, the communication. Simple brilliance.

YOU LOOKED BETTER ON MYSPACE

BANKSY stencil on Beverly Blvd in L.A
Originally uploaded by papi337.

I found a new BANKSY stencil in L.A. next to the New Beverly Cinema on Beverly blvd and La Cienega. I can't believe how amazing this is. I never got into myspace at all. It always had a real pervy, cruising kind of feeling to me which is why I find this so true and absurd at the same time. My favorite stencil so far and I hope the theatre doesn't paint over it. This crush of mine is starting to hurt.

The Wallflowers - Heroes

If you'd like to see some of my work, I dug up a music video I was in. It was for the Godzilla movie soundtrack and performed by the Wallflowers although the original singer is the great David Bowie. This was one of the most demanding jobs I've ever done and I never even had any lines. We filmed at the Orpheum Theatre downtown before it had been renovated. I recently saw Cat Power play there for my birthday, and it was cool to see it again after all this time, they did a good job with it. But it was bloody cold during filming. The wardrobe department wrapped plastic around my body under my clothes because we were filming with a rain machine at night and in the middle of Winter. They had heat machines I could run to after takes but for rain to show up on film it has to come out very very hard. I got sick. But I didn't care.

Half Gifts

The Cocteau Twins are a band I listen to everyday. I was introduced to them 13 years ago by someone who had quite an effect on me. They're from Scotland and were known more in the 80's than they are now. This song is called "Half Gifts," and it's one of my absolute favorites. I resonate to it and I belong to it. It's meaning has changed to me over the years, but it still strikes me so deep. Only music has this power: "I just have to know how to be in the process of creating things in a better way And it hurts but it's a lie that I can't handle it I still have a world of me-ness to fullfill I still have a life, and it's a rich one, even with mourning Even with grief and sadness I still care about this planet I am still connected to nature And to my dreams and myself I have my friends My family I have myself I still have ME."

Sigur Ros - Glosoli Video

This is the band Sigur Ros. The song is called Glosoli. This music video was filmed in Iceland, which is where they are from, in August of 2005. There is something so special and timeless about they're music that I cannot possibly explain. You will understand when you watch this video. It's heavy with worth. Real emotion. Pure love. I got to witness them play at the Hollywood Bowl in 2001. The lead singer and musician would angelicly strum his electric guitar with a violin bow. At that time I described it as feeling like listening to a space opera. The audience was dead silent and floating together, united. It took my breath. You can see more of them if you go to sigur-ros.co.uk.

Internet Killed the Television Star

Ralph's Grocery Store
Originally uploaded by papi337.

Sweet lazy day Sunday. I always do my grocery shopping today and the family orders supper from our spot called "Hard Times Pizza". It has gotten freezing cold in Los Angeles. Last night it got down to 28 degrees and we saw snow covering the top of Eagle Rock. The slopes must be amazing at Big Bear right now. It's so clear and the wind has pushed all the dirty black smog somewhere far from sight. It's also really dry and kind of reminding me of the Winter's in Atlanta. On a totally diffrent note, I recently got asked to take part in a pilot for the E! chanel. Before I start to get too excited, I'm told it's a reality television project and it would be a kind of bachelor/dating show. My answer was a no thank you, it's just not me. I'm happy someone thought of me, but I know that my personality and style just doesn't match that type of entertainment. I mean, I've wanted to be an actress since I was a kid and when a person does reality t.v there's kind of no turning back. I believe in the art of expressing yourself with purpose and want to put my heart and soul in what I create. That's not what reality t.v is about. I'm not about wanting to get famous any way I possibly can. If I earn fame through my art work then I deserve it, if I don't, then it's not real and I'm a realist. I'm one of those people that very rarely watches television. I get my news from the radio. The twins don't watch it. I'm not trying to bash reality t.v, but I do think it's time is over. I'm ready for something hopefully more substantial to replace it. Something smarter. I need a certain quality to my career and I am willing to wait for it. As long as it takes. In the mean time, blogging has become my favorite new medium where I can incorporate photography and words to record these enlightening days. My space I like to go. I seem to be living on inspiration during these times. Finding it in strange places. Even my past. But easily feeling it nonetheless. Learning about more. Showing it. Sharing it with you.....................

BRING HOME BACON

Page From Diary
Originally uploaded by papi337.

Auditions are starting to pick back up. It always slows down for the Holidays and then gets good again at the beginning of the year. I had one last Friday for an internet webisode called "Girl Trash." They're starting to cast a lot of these webisodes now. But the project is suppose to be really sexy and crazy. About girl private investigators with some campyness involved. It sounded like fun. Angela Robinson was there, she directed "Herbie Fully Loaded" and "D.E.B.S" and will be directing this as an expierimental project. She was really nice and didn't say much. I always get so nervous when I have to read for the director and producers. But I didn't flub my lines so I'm happy with it. As I was leaving, my manager called and told me I got a call back for a Lincoln car commercial I went out for last week and that I had to get over there right away. So I bolted from Culver City to Beverly Hills as fast as I could. When I got there, there was a room full of women and casting was of course late. It always happens like that when I rush. I waded through to the sign-in sheet and wrote my name, my agency which is Artist's International, and the time I arrived. For commercials they always have a paper to fill out with fitting sizes. Then they take a polaroid of you and staple it all together. I sat down to start writing and as I glanced around, I could see all the different types of girls and possible ways they were maybe going to go with the commercial. When the casting director finally called my name and it was my turn, I remember to try and be myself and put one foot in front of the other. It all seems to end way too fast and the rush isn't over yet as I'm walking out the door. I love that feeling. My Father told me when I was a kid that making it as an actress was like winning the lottery. He might be right, but this is a dream I cannot explain that drives me to such lengths. I'm not as afraid to show myself to people anymore. To look stupid. To fuck up. To fail. To look ugly. To persevere even though you know there are people out there who would rather see you fall. In those moments we learn what we're made of. Learn to be an individual. Learn to not be afraid to be different. Embrace the strange. Acting is not easy no matter how it looks. I have a lot of respect for the mental and sometimes physical process actors have to go through. It does stuff to your mind. That's a part the public doesn't see a lot. The preparation part. I've known people to stay in character all throughout the entire time it takes to finish their film, not just on the set. It's pretty hardcore. But this is what turns me on. This is what I want to do. And I'm just one among many.

Banksy vs The Streets

BANKSY, street artist changing the world one wall at a time.

Palestine Mural
Originally uploaded by papi337.

Banksy is the pseudonym of a street artist from Bristol, England though he doesn't like to use the word art because "it has a negative connotation that alienates people," he has said. No one knows his real identity. This is the man I heard about last year when he replaced 500 copies of Paris Hilton's debut C.D "Paris" with his own digital art and remixes with titles like "Why Am I Famous?", "What Have I Done?" and "What am I for?" in 48 different record stores in England. One cover showed Paris Hilton topless. Another had a dog's head instead of hers and the last was of her stepping out of a flashy car over homeless people with the caption "90% of success is just showing up."
As I researched more about him I realize he is no ordinary artist. A person who does not seek fame and has never been photographed unless he's covered. He does not sell T-shirts. He has not become a "brand". And he gives guides on his website on the best boxes to cut your stencils from and tips on explaining yourself to the cops. His work is all over the world, but mostly in London. In 2005 he painted 9 murals on the Palestine side of the Israeli West Bank Wall. One is of children digging through the barrier. Another is of a little girl holding balloons and floating above it all. At the London Zoo, he climbed into the penguin enclosure and painted "We're bored of fish" in 7 foot high letters. You can go to his website at banksy.co.uk/ and see his entire spectrum of mediums. There's so many more works he's done including painting and drawing. The youtube video above details more of his pieces and there is a sublime example of English rap featured from a group called "The Streets", song is "Turn the page." I have to go get that.
It seems to be that BANKSY is either adored or despised. But there is no doubt that his work connects. It is also undeniable to me that street art has become one of the only checks and balances the public has against the owned media or staunch art gallery's. I really get it. Especially in a time where anonymity does not exist, and people will sell their soul's to be famous, it's clear he keeps it about his art and not about himself. He said "The time of getting famous for your name on it's own is over. Artwork that is only about wanting to be famous will never make you famous. Any fame is a by-product of making something that means something. You don't go to a restaurant and order a meal because you want to have a shit."

Silverlake 101

This is a short I made yesterday of the neighborhood. I had an audition early in the morning for a Lincoln Mercury car commercial, they wanted real photographers for the ad. In theory it was an interesting Idea. I always want to book everything I go out for. That's just the way it goes. But afterwards I rallied around and got some digital scenes of Silverlake. I love the street art and murals and unusual shops. Last night the sunset over the reservoir was reflecting onto itself like a mirror. It looked like flames, ushering in the full moon in cancer shining a silver beam all over Los Angeles like a flashlight. I'm really getting into video blogging and plan on posting more diarist style installations. This one lost quality while I was converting it, but I'm learning. I've experimented with short films before. I shot one in New York called "Normal" and did another called "Japanese Beauty Music" shot on super 8mm while touring behind the scenes with Beck and his band thru Japan. It was one of the best experiences of my life. So I'm really starting to feel this. If you're out there, and you want to see more of L.A.'s culture or whatever, leave a comment. Or if you have some ideas or something cool, then tell me. I want to start posting interviews with artist's too. I acted in a short film last October called "EZRA" with Alex Ebert who is in a band called "Ima robot". He's so talented and terribly handsome. The film is actually quite sad. I took photo's of the set and us in costume and I'm planning on putting something together soon and posting it. I hope I can possibly provide a service or inspire people to start their own blogs. Let the world know your alive. !VIVA SELF EXPRESSION!

A Silver Mt. Zion

This is an epic song to begin the new year with. The NOW is upon us and time likes to have it's own way. It is time to say good bye to the past and peacefully let it be. Time to move forward into the world. Time to become who we are, not were. Time to evolve. Time to let live. Time to let die. Time to let go. So I let go too........

back yard orange tree and downtown los angeles tonight at dusk.....

This is California. In winter. I love it here. Silverlake is turning out to be an amazing neighborhood. It's East of Hollywood and best known for it's eclectic gathering of the creative community. It's home to many musicians, actors and freethinkers. I remember seeing Rilo Kiley play at Spaceland in the late 90's and of coarse, Beck and Elliot Smith. You can go to clubspaceland.com and listen to all the bands thats headlining there right now. I also got to see one of my favorite bands, Mates Of State play which you must check out lead singer Kori Garner's blog called Band On The [Diaper] Run at babble.com. It chronicles her 2 piece band tour around the world with little 2 year old Magnolia along for the ride. Her husband is fellow band member Jason Hammel. Her blog is just like her, original and refreshing. I really love it. Silverlake is also known for it's man made reservoir which it got it's name from and serves water to South L.A. There's an incredible view of the lake from the hills. It glows. There's also a great little Vietnamese restarant on my corner called Gingergrass and it's bananas good. There's always a line coming out of the place and the noddle bowls are the best. On that same street is Silverlake Wine, and Rockaway Records. I love the sound of a real record player. Both unique places. And I'm happy I don't have to drive so far away to get to the park. Los Angeles is a pain for driving.
These oranges are so ripe and bright. They grow in my back yard. Jasmine is never too far behind. It feels like a warm fall in L.A. It is turning to dusk now as I write with pink and purple glowing over the city and the cold air that comes in at night makes us cozy. The fire. The desert. The palms. The mountains. I am so very far from home and happily so

a place in history

Originally uploaded by papi337.

Carry my words
sweet as songbirds
To the ears of someone far.

Right this day
with time's fair play
And a love no purer than ours.

Knowing so well
Paris in pastels
To feel the season's turn cold.

I will always know
there are places I can't go
As the memory begins to lose hold.

apple breath

DSC01693
Originally uploaded by papi337.

Scream, bite, pinch and kick your way into this world.
A universe beyond for holding the stars
and sleeping on Mars.
That big smile in the morning.
That soft cheek against my own.
Finding out my knowledge needs improvement.
And your breath always smells like apples.

For ___________

i saw you in pieces.
spilling scotch.
speaking french.
numbing up.
i've been to that place.
i've stared at that same ceiling
and drown in that song.
i've eaten that same nothing.
drank that same poison. sweet poison.
doing it's job.
make me forget i was loved .
running. running in the streets.
on fire for you.
i've slept on nails
with that same ghost.
sick from lonliness.
missing the earth.
while they grew in the sun.
i cried tears of whiskey.
you should listen to woody guthrie.
because it's your turn to know.

I'm not suppose to read tabloid magazines

I remember back before Star Magazine was glossy and pop stars didn't show their naughty bits in public yet. I honestly would buy those things sometimes and have to admit it was a guilty pleasure. I always felt really silly at the check out line with them and would try to hide the fact that I was actually spending my money on it. But just last November the National Enquirer came knocking on my door and was very interested in my divorce papers. The reporter wanted to either confirm or deny somethings that were obviously public record. I respectfully said no comment and the story was ran about two weeks after that. I won't go into it much but these things happen I suppose whenever a person has intimate details of a famous person's life. The public has a real fascination with celebrities. Some truely talented artists, and some famous for behaving in a more notorious way, a la reality star style. They have become walking product placement ads. I think we live in a corporate country where we're taught to want to be like them and have the desire to live their lifestyle. But in reality most American's don't earn close to that kind of money or realize what people have gone thru to get to that point. But it's glamourized and most people know. But last night I'm standing in Ralph's to buy my popcorn and non-salted butter and I see a spread in the middle of Star magaine with just about every drug under the Sun featured, complete with photographs, information about the drug, and it's effects on the user. The reason this scares me is because I know how easy it is to get addicted to drugs. I don't want this to turn into a public service announcement but I have fought my own battle. And I thought I was so cool while I was getting high. I thought I looked so good and that no one knew. But I was self destrctive and had to find out why. I really wonder what impression this leaves on a young girls psyche to see these teenage celebrities with Bentley's and know that they do drugs. Has anyone noticed these stories are usually about young girls? But who doesn't want to be the prettiest girl at the party, ya know what I mean. Everybody wants to be cool. And it kinda creates a mystique. I'm getting older, that's for sure, and I'm happy to earn some lines around my eyes. I've seen a lot. And I want to give back to anyone who ever needs my help. Real life isn't as pretty sometimes but the rewards are real, and when it's real it never goes away. And I will be right here.

Never Before Now

I want to be plain. I want to be bland. I want to be ordinary. I want to be common. I want to be blank. I want to be flat. I want to be normal. I want to be empty.

Because I don't know who I am. Because I became all of you. Because I practiced your practice. Because I expressed your language. Because I wore your clothes. Because I learned your rules. Because I played your games. Because I fought your wars.

Now I relax...quietly. Now I listen...closely. Now I remember...peacefully. Now I breathe... slowly. Now I balance... rationality. Now I feel...simply. Now I see...perfectly. Now I communicate... willingly.

And so as I become me. And I return to clay. And I wait for the light. And I listen for a noise. And I realize I am complete. And something just made sense. And that was my first real thought. And I become connected again.

Becoming Undone...

The fire since has turned into heat. The flame condensing to a soft orange glow. I sit with toes curled and mind undone. Grateful. Happy I forced myself to feel. Feel all those things that one shouldn't feel. And rejoice in it. Thank you for making it hard. Thank you for pushing me off the side of a building. I needed to know that I could fly after all.

Starving Artist Status

We've finally gotten moved in. Silverlake is my favorite neighborhood in Los Angeles. Good people. I lived right next door for many years in Korea Town and really got on well there too. Then I moved to Los Feliz for about a second. But after I returned from Atlanta to greet Los Angeles again this year, it was my intention to stay as far away from this place as possible. I would have preferred this time to live in Venice or anywhere by the beach. Something unfamiliar. There are so many memories I would like to stay away from. Too much control ages you quicker. A young bride. A young mind. But no matter what, I am happy to be back in the Sun. Happy that evolution occured even if I didn't recognize it. Glad that I am different now. Brighter. Nicer. Loss will do that to you. I lost everything that was never truely mine. But what one gives to this world, this world gives back. And now I can say that a new revolution has happened. Humility has been learned and human dignity now respected. I'm HAPPY it HURT. I'm happy I got leveled. Because I know who I am now. And I know who I'm not. And I know that God exists. The problem is, I had to die first to be able to truely live. And I do want to live.